and the nightmare continues

I have not written in a while I have been busy trying to get my life to normal, I have been praying for the nightmare to end but instead it just keeps getting worse, I feel that the blogs that I am writting are not the kind people like to read about, perhaps it is because is about my true life story and it has no exitment for anyone, but in fact there are stories like this in the newspapers and that people do read about, that is if the person they talk about is dead or seriously hurt, is that the kind of stories people like, well I dont I lived a nightmare for 14 years and I am still trying to wake up, my story is a real story a true story that I am sharing with you, because I am seeking for help and maybe a solution to the end of this, I have two lovely kids whom I love deeply and I am attempting to survive and if that is not enough then what is. I have been making an efford to get a new lawyer because the one I had was ordered by the judge to get off the case, I begin again fighting to stop the visits that have been ordered for my kids to see their father, those visits affected them before and now it will be worse, I didn't mention that my daughter tried to kill her self when she found out that she had to see her father, how scare she is of him and she had to be admited to a mental institution because of it, after that I worked really hard with the doctors to help my little girl understand that I will take care of her and that I will never let him hurt her, her brother or even me anymore that it would be over, she was finally released and had been doing so good, and again the nightmare repeats itself only this time she does not yet know that visits are going to begin again, I am afraid to tell her because she has been doing so good I dont want for her to go backwards instead of forward, how do I explain to her that I was not able to make the judge hear my pleads, how do I explain to her that there is nothing I can do and that the judge has told me that if they miss one visit that a warrant for my arrest would be issued, that I can not even take them out of the state because if I do I would go to jail, how do I explain to my kids that after all the abuse that we have experienced the courts have forgotten who the victim was and that now I have to submit them to this nightmare once again, can someone tell me how is it if I was getting beat up almost everyday for no good reason at all, and was not able to have friends of any kind, and my kids had toexperienced having to see their father beat me and there was nothing that they could do to help me, and everytime my daughter tried to help she would get beat up and was told to stay out of it or else, my daughter believed that she need it to use her self as a shield to protect me, and got hurt most of the time, Why am I being punished for trying to protect them, I left their father because I could not continue to submit them to that nightmare and because I gave up, if I didnt leave he would of killed me, he had come close to it, who is the victim? in the end the kids become the victims because they have to continue to see the man they onece called dad, the man that used to beat their mother up almost everyday, and send them to their room while I screamed for help, just because he does not live with us or knows where we are does not mean that he can't still hurt us, he is still hurting us  mentally he is still here, It does not make any sence at all, to have to go backwards instead of forward.

We only want to go on with our lifes and not have to look over our shoulders everytime we go out we dont want to have to stay put in the same place for the rest of our lives, we want to be able to go outside the borough we live in, to be able to walk free by the looks of it it's never going to happen, please help us, there has to be someone out there who can tell me what I need to do, I am lost without been lost..