I don't know where else to turn and this has been my only thought, I know that I might not be the only one that has gone throght this please I am asking for help any advise that can be shared with me will be appreciated, what can I do to let the courts know that all I am looking for is the well being for my children, to be able to run free without being afraid.

I have been going back and forth to court trying to fight a battle that began the day I became strong to leave my abusive husband, unfortunately I thought that the system will help me, and instead trough out time they forgot that I was a victim I am still suffering the pain even though I am not with him and I am feeling trapped with no where to go, I can't even visit family because he is out there, I can't even leave the house without looking over my shoulder, and hopping no one that knows him sees me.
He knows the town I live in and trying to find a safer place has become an issue in court, I was abuse by the father of my kids, my husband, he abused me physically as well as mentally and I am still trying to recover from the internal scars that he has left behind. I am not safe even though I wish I was, I try to be strong for the kids because they hurt just as much as me, this has affected them and they want for it to end, it just does not seem to want to go away.
The courts don't seem to care about the children emotional being more less my own, we have been through pain, fear, loneliness, emptiness, darkness, the dispear, the crying and the sadness, we really are trying to recover but staying here is not going to help us, I want my kids to know what is like to go out without looking over their shoulders everytime they are out, I want them to know that there is a way out, is there someone out there that might be able to give me some advise on what I need to do.

I was reading the papers today and saw the tragic that the hurracaine left behind, my heart goes out to New Orleans, the sadness they are experiencing I can not say I understand it but I feel their pain and their loss, and with that I pray, I know that it will take time to regain all that was lost, and the lifes that went can not be replaced, but their memories will go on for ever in the hearts of their love ones.

Since my last journal, I am attempting to reach the non-smoking goal, I tell you it is not as easy as it seems, but I am closely working with a team of experts on this field, quitting is easier said than done but I am so far one step ahead, I am beggining to taste and smell better since I stopped smoking, I know that people out there who are smokers most say "yeah good luck to you" but I tell you after finding out how much healthier I have become I feel good about myself, and that is one step foward..
I love my kids very much and I know that they are happy to see me quit they are helpful and understanding, we have learned to do things together and set goals that we can benefit from, we have been through a rough experience in our lives, and together we are going to accomplish whatever we set out minds to.

I wonder what it would be like to feel safe again, I am a happy mother loving every moment I spend with my kids, but just the feeling that he is still out there somewhere waitting like a lion to attack its prey still brings goosebumbs to my skin. I thought that the nightmare will end once I left home, instead it just growing, I am not there for him to manipulate me or hit me, he does not have to be standing next to me to still give me pain, the pain is now within sleepless nights, when will it end?